MH Classic: Peeing in the Bushes
Tuesday, December 20th, 2005today, i bring you a mentalhygiene classic, originally posted 11/12/2000. enjoy.
if i was a dog, i would have just finished peeing in my neighbor’s bushes.
various animal species use differing means of marking their territories, ensuring that the food and mates within their domain remain solely theirs, and warning others passing through that they shouldn’t stop and make themselves comfortable.
some do this with an excretion from specialized glands, others, like dogs, will use their urine to make their dominance known.
you see, humans mark their territory, too. tribal customs vary in the primitive regions of the world, where totems, glyphs, or some other markings tell neighboring tribes where they are unwelcome. in the more “civilized” parts of the world, these are typically done in spraypaint.
where i live, in the Suburbs, the method of marking one’s territory relies upon one of two things: grass and leaves. this time of year, fallen leaves are gathered into piles for a number of purposes, but only from one’s own dominion. to gather leaves in a neighboring area under another’s control, or distribute the leaves of one’s own territory in another’s, is not encouraged, and typically results in some kind of ritual feud-like behavior, or at the least, social discomfort.
in the summer, when the grass grows thicker and faster, the males of the Suburbian species will spend hours on the weekend – that part of the week traditionally set aside for such rituals – trimming the grass that grows around their dwellings to a uniform height. how far from their homes they venture in this pursuit is determined by a number of factors, which i will touch upon in a moment, but the line of demarkation between the mown and the unmown determines what is “mine” and what is “theirs.” if one is lax in his duties, and allows his neighbors to determine these lines of demarkation, it’s possible he will lose control of some small part of his domain. in extreme circumstances, one will begin to trim the grass only when he hears the neighboring dominant male begin to trim his own, in an effort to be the one to make the determination where the line lay.
for some, the size of the domain, or “yard” is based on tradition: the “property line” runs from a certain tree to another, or along some other natural boundary – shrubbery for example – previously agreed upon through treaty or years of conflict. for others, the line is even more well marked, usually as a result of a past indiscretion or particularly violent conflict. often times, these indisputable boundaries are defended by guard dogs. such “Fences” are a sign of well-established territorial rights and entrenched heirarchical relations between neighboring Suburbanites
however, there are times when the boundaries between Yards is less clear, such as when the dominion of a certain plot changes hands. at these times, the new landholder must take cues from his neighboring Suburbanites as to the extent of his lands. an unscrupulous or opportunistic neighbor might take this opportunity to establish a new line, reclaiming for himself some of the newcomer’s lands by trimming the grass on this area, or claiming a particular shrubbery as his own, thus extending his own dominion at the expense of the newcomer.
when friendly relations are established between neighboring landholders, typically through the sharing of food and drink in a social ceremony, or, more commonly, through the ceremonial borrowing of tools and other implements used to tend one’s Yard. as newly arrived landholders do not often have their own implements, or else are unprepared for the climate and vegetation of his new Yard, this serves a double purpose: to strengthen the alliance between the new and old Neighbors through obligation and barter, and ensuring that the newcomer’s Yard is tended.
the latter is more important than it might at first seem. if a newcomer fails in his duties to his Yard, not only might his neighbors attempt to claim pieces of it for themselves, but it diminishes the perceived value of his lands, no matter how expansive. this diminished valuation also reflects upon the neighboring landholders. it is this value in the eyes of others that brings about the heightened competition some Suburbanites undergo, in which ultimate dominance over a large area, or Neighborhood, is established.
while not responsible for the upkeep of the Yards in the Neighborhood, the local Alpha Male will encourage the other males under his power to improve the appearance of their domains, if only to increase the valuation of his own Yard in the process. the imparting of knowledge in the form of the proper crops to plant for the climate, and the proper times and methods of planting and pruning, typically takes place at ceremonies similar to those initiating new neighbors. it is also at these events that social heirarchies are strengthened somehow through the preparation and consumption of large portions of meat alongside fermented beverages.
don’t for a moment think that the Suburbanite experience and domination rituals are entirely for the males of the species. for instance, at these “cookouts” mentioned above, the females of the species are often observed exchanging elaborately prepared meals and portions of meals. it has been theorized that the preparation of large amounts of food is to the female Suburbanite what the maintenance of the Yard is to the male. however, a full report on these observations will have to wait for a different forum, as the discussion of female behaviors requires more time and space than currently is practical here.
Posted in random stuff | No Comments »>fishie fishie fishie fish?
Friday, December 2nd, 2005
where is charles today?
Thursday, December 1st, 2005
w00t
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005i’m 30 today.
Posted in random stuff | 2 Comments »>wow. just wow.
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005arlo midgett took the post-it mosaic and ran with it:
and documented his creation with time-lapse photography and images of most of the prep.
the massochist even used small and non-square post-its. yeesh.
he also discovered, as i did, that the post-its aren’t trimmed to the most exacting standards. oh well, it happens.
check out the music video.
Posted in fun stuff | 1 Comment »>how many cokes does the world need
Monday, October 10th, 2005i’d like to buy the world a coke, but i’m stuck for which of the fouteen varieties of coca cola on the market today.
fourteen.
somehow, i knew there were a bunch, since they’ve been trying all the combinatorics – adding lemon or vanilla, taking out sugar or caffiene. but i had no idea they’d already exceeded the number they could potentially cram into a “all the cokes variety 12-pack”. maybe a special-edition 14-pack…
the list, from coke’s website includes the following:
Coca-Cola (Coke Classic)
Coke II (C2)
cherry Coke
vanilla Coke
Coca Cola with lime
Coca Cola Zero
Diet Coke
Diet Coke with Lemon
Diet Coke with lime
diet vanilla Coke
Diet Coke Sweetened with Splenda
diet cherry Coke
caffeine free Coca-Cola
caffeine free Coke II (C2)
caffeine free Diet Coke
i wonder… where’s “new coke”?
anyhoo, i started thinking on this topic when my parents came home from the store with caffeine free coke classic, which i never knew existed. neither did my mother, who picked up the case of coke, thinking it was her usual caffeine free diet coke based on the nearly identical packaging.
i wanted to find photos of the two to compare side by side, and discovered that there were fourteen varieties of coke.
the multi-gazillion-dollar marketing and branding behemoth, though, doesn’t seem to have a very consistent or compelling web presence. their product shots are all over the place in size, staging, orientation, etc. compare this, for example, to apple’s press resources. i’d compare coke to pepsi’s site, but pepsi’s site doesn’t seem to have press resources like decent product shots. oh well.
here’s the lineup, minus caffeine free coke 2, which i don’t think is out in the world yet:
growing up in atlanta, i became accustomed to the local way of referring to any kind of carbonated soft drink where, unlike most places where it’s “a pop” or “a soda”, one asked for “a coke” – you then specified what you wanted, from sprite to dr. pepper. now, when i ask for a coke, i have to specify which coke i’m after.
i’m glad to see they’re still ahead of their competition, though. Pepsi only has twelve varieties of pepsi.
Posted in random stuff | 5 Comments »>this thing just won’t die
Sunday, September 11th, 2005i went looking again today to see what people have been commenting on the flickr set of the post-it Elvis and found even more great post-it art on flickr:
some kind of “monkey mural” in asheville – i don’t see it, but it’s interesting in its own way. a different approach to the pixels.
keeping with the theme: Pac Man takes on modern office decor.
Bergdorf Goodman in New York. clowns, high fashion, and post-its. three great tastes that taste great together? it works, i suppose, according to the three second rule.
and finally, the slightly mysterious scouting photos for a future post-it portrait?
i’ll have to keep an eye on that last one…
Posted in fun stuff, media | 3 Comments »>imitation == flattery
Friday, September 2nd, 2005
What is it they say about imitation and flattery?
The hits keep on rolling in. The above Longhorn was done by some Texas boys, led by Alan Marek. Well done guys.
Joe Liebman at ad agency Wieden and Kennedy put together this Alfred E. Neuman. Sweet.
Any others out there? Send me links and/or photos.
Posted in fun stuff | 4 Comments »>ding dong! the neighbors are gone!
Monday, August 15th, 2005as i arrived home this evening, my neighbors that live across the street – the ones, i’m sure i’ve written about this, that are always sitting on their front porch regardless of the time of day or night – informed me that my vietnamese neighbors have moved out.
gone. poof. yesterday, apparently.
i’ve written about the neighbors in question before. they’re the ones with the small herd of beastly children that wake me up at the crack of dawn many days with the sound of their screaming, gunplaying, arguing, and other noisy shenanigans. the ones that don’t speak a lick of english. the ones that would play all afternoon by climbing on anything that didn’t move, and some things that did – the house, their car, the trees in my yard. the kids were part monkey, i swear.
and now all that’s left of them is a giant pile of discarded furniture on the curb.
sweet.
now, i’ll be getting a new set of neighbors for the fourth time in five years. will they have kids? will they keep sane hours? will they be harley-riding, gunfighting, hard drinking skynyrd fans with poor personal hygiene? maybe. this is north carolina, after all. there’s no telling what i’ll get.
as long as they speak english and don’t drive through my yard, i’ll at least make the effort to make friends with them.
Posted in random stuff | 3 Comments »>if you laugh at this, you’re evil.
Friday, July 15th, 2005http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/pictures/bunny_suicides/
Posted in Old Stuff | 3 Comments »> « Previous Entries