Mental Hygiene the best thing you've done for your brain all day

Standing right here, I achieve the perfect stereo balance between the screaming baby in one room and the monitor in the other.

In honor of John Williams’ birthday, today the music stuck on a loop in my head will be the Imperial March.

These opening ceremonies are cool, but I’m looking forward to when NBC cuts away to a pointless interview with Michael Phelps.

There is no I in TEAM, but there is MEAT.

Congratulations to Bill @TheScienceGuy Nye for refraining from the use of “nutjob” during yesterday’s debate.

Ill-fitting yoga pants are the new “mom jeans”.

When the Hellmouth opens, it will be disguised as a Monkey Joe’s.

Cashier at the Liquor Store: “Big Super Bowl party, huh?”
Me: “The what now?”

The decongestant bottle says not to exceed four pills in 24 hours.

My sinuses say, “Challenge, accepted!”