there has been a lot of debate lately about the rising number of guns in schools. strangely, the facts of the matter are that there are fewer incidents of violence and fewer guns in schools now than there were just a few years ago – not counting, of course, the number of weapons used by security and police on campus. the lower number of guns may be attributed to the heightened security at problematic schools, which, in turn, can be attributed to the heightened publicity of the few incidents of violence in these schools, which is also increasing the public perception of violence and guns in schools. violent circle, but helpful in some ways. a little press coverage can really change a school board’s minds about public safety and the budget.
but how do we get rid of guns in schools entirely – and i don’t mean by removing those troublesome police and security officers.
first, examine who brings guns to school. boys.
when school-aged girls go gunning for one another, it is after they have exhausted their options of hair-pulling, boyfriend-stealing, backstabbing (in the gossiping, she’s-a-tramp manner, not with actual knives) and general nastiness that are typical of pubescent female conflicts. no, it’s not the girls we have to worry about, unless you take away their backstreet boys and britney spears albums.
it’s the boys. raging with testosterone, their inexperienced brain cells unable to process the information and impulses, not to mention the newfound desires, running through them like so many pennies in a fuse box. it’s hard to concentrate on school when, for the first time in their lives, they are thinking of sex on an average of six times a minute. as an adult, i’m used to it, bombarded with everything from ally mcbeal to victoria’s secret (not to mention the hordes of jailbait britney spears clones), but i remember when puberty was ramping up. these were new things, and hey, is that a dirty magazine in the bottom of dad’s closet? dripping of angst and clearasil, idle hands do the devil’s work.
which brings me to the theoretical part of my rant. bear with me, it won’t hurt. much.
okay, so where do young boys of this generation turn for entertainment, enlightenment, naked girls? duh. the internet. yes, that bastion of free thought and pay-per-view porn is the dirty magazine and cigarettes snuck behind the garage of today’s youth. it’s also where boys go to get their bomb-making plans and learn how to acquire guns – that is, of course, unless that‘s what’s lying in the bottom of daddy’s closet. smacks of another rant.
and so, i propose that, to get the guns out of the hands of today’s youth, we encourage them to put something else in them. while tardiness may increase, as more of america’s young men are caught late in the bathroom with the stall doors closed, it will certainly cut down on violence. who has time to plan and carry out a maniacal plot to kill and maim when their only thoughts are of getting back into the big box of porn? and what of teen pregnancy? also on the decline (depending on where you look) it certainly will be on the decline if more boys spent themselves into the kleenex, rather than their classmates. and there’s nothing like freely available amateur gynecology to encourage the masturbatory reflex in young men.
so, where are some of these pubescent timebombs to get online and get whacking? in the school library, of course. certainly those with computers and internet access at home are doing their, er, homework, but what of the lower-income households? how are they to reap the benefits of today’s marshal-mcluhan-meets-marilyn-manson global village? school-funded, free access in the library. and if the library has gone to the effort of installing some kind of blocking software, how are they to get to the swimsuit models and white trash hoisting their heels for the pleasure of all? banned, barred, prevented, blocked, and generally discouraged in school, good, old fashioned internet porn may be the answer.
yes, the cry goes out, more porn in schools!