i’m fat. tubby, chubby, a chunky muffin.
i’ve been this way since i finished college and moved on to the ‘real world’ (and not the one mtv would like us to believe in, where beautiful college students and dropouts all live together happily for awhile in a big-ass house that someone else pays for and get in little arguments about who’s not sleeping with whom, and everything ends up just being cute and obnoxious and nothing at all like your life will ever be). i know that my problem, along with the millions of other americans who are, like myself, overweight, is that my caloric intake is greater than my energy expended – and not due to a glandular or genetic predisposition like some people would like to believe.
don’t get me wrong, i believe there are a lot of people who just cannot, for varying reasons, lose weight. i am not one of these people. i am fat, and i know exactly why. i eat too damned much, and don’t exercise enough.
and this is not a cry for help. i don’t want richard simmons’ chubby ass beating down my door, insisting that i jump around like a fool and listen to oldies while he soothes my crying eyes with some little speech about the thin person screaming to get out from inside me. kiss my ass, simmons, big as it is, and get out.
i work at one desk all day, then come home and sit behind another one, futzing on the computer. granted, this is how i make my living, but still, if it’s not sitting at the computer – like i am right this very moment, damn – it’s lounging on the couch, watching television.
and so, i’m going to change that. i’m going to lose some weight, finally, instead of packing it on, eventually to reach critical mass and start burning brightly as my fuel supply is burned off in the great, gravity-driven furnace of my own hugeness.
i have actually started working out on a regular basis – stairmaster (which royally kicks my ass at the lowest setting), stationary bike (good thing it’s stationary, because i can’t ride the actual mobile kind at all), and freeweights. every other day i do that, and on off days, i lie on my back watching tv and try to catch my breath. actually, i do sit-ups and crunches until i can’t stand any more, then wait for the next commercial and do it all again. not a bad routine, methinks.
but still, the results can’t come fast enough. i must examine my lifestyle, and compare it to the only time in recent memory that i was actively losing weight – my first two years in college.
bulking up on a hearty diet of depression, self-loathing, and ramen noodles, i supplemented my own weight-loss plan with regular doses of malnutrition, dehydration, and a will to survive like that of a lemming waddling ever closer to a cliff. but i didn’t exercise, and i certainly didn’t do aerobics to oldies music. i vegetated then as now, soaking in my own juices, bathed in cathode-ray-tube beams, barely seeing the light of day. and, in all, i lost about 25 pounds in 18 months.
i’ve gained it all back, of course, in spades. i’ve gone from the steady post-pubescent spread that every man will eventually have to accept to a point where i’ve gained almost two pants sizes in less than a year and a half. it’s not that gaining weight is a problem – i expect i’ll be a chunky muffin the rest of my life, short as it probably is, it’s the rate of acquisition that’s troublesome. i started out with a nice, round buddha-like belly that my female friends felt was comforting in a teddy-bear, reminds-me-of-my-dad kind of way, to a when-are-you-due, and-what-are-you-naming-them, filling out my t-shirts and the pleats in my trousers in places i wasn’t comfortable with.
i can track all this by the belt i wear, and refuse to replace. it’s an old, worn leather strap with only a few holes in it. i can tell that a year ago, i was on the smallest hole, and was that way for a while judging by the permanent dent in the leather. since then, though, i’ve crept past one, two, three holes to where i’m holding steady now. the biggest clue, of course, is the pants i wear, or rather, don’t, because i can’t squeeze my ass into them any more. my wardrobe is dwindling because i’m too stubborn – or thrifty – to go out and buy new clothes, with the slightest chance that i might be able to still fit into the khakis i bought just a few months ago still on the horizon.
and so, i have before me my future: a package of top ramen, chicken vegetable flavor. included in this handy little shrink-wrapped noodle brick are 14 grams of fat, 1580 milligrams of sodium, 54 grams of carbohydrates, and 8 grams of protein. all told, about 380 calories. not too bad for an entire day’s sustenance, if you consider that’s two servings – not that anybody ever eats just half a brick of ramen anyway.
i can deal with that. a little malnutrition can’t hurt too much. not that i haven’t gone to some extremes before. for two weeks about 8 months ago, i fasted. didn’t eat anything, but drank lots of water and orange juice – the later only after about passing out after work one day. and i managed. not too shabby, for someone who hadn’t gone a day without a meal his entire life up to that point. will power, that’s the ticket.
so, now all that’s left is to work out the depression angle. i’m not doing too badly on that front, watching way too much tv and avoiding human contact, i think i can manage to get to the suicidal thoughts stage in a few weeks. by that point, i will have started losing some water weight through dehydration – munching on raw ramen and heightened sodium intake will do that.
note: the author wishes that you all know he is not suicidal, does not condone crash dieting or fasting to lose weight, and does not enjoy eating top ramen. he is, however, a little on the overweight side, and working on changing that.
haha.yeah im gonna try that but im not over weight. im 13 and 120 lbs.but still.im chubby
does this really work?????????
I am actually currently on the Ramen diet. Of course, this is because I’m poor. It’s sad that this diet really does work. It’ll give you a massive headache, but you’ll lose weight faster than you can imagine.
Ramen is very unhealthy… It has too much sodium in it, which can lead to kidney problems. I know a couple people who have done this diet, and they actually gained more weight instead of losing any. They also had horrible breakouts… still think this diet is a good idea?
I love Ramen Noodles..
y’all are a bunch of fatasses
Instead of a ramen diet, consider trying a diet solely focused around macrobiotics! Google japanese diets and find out what they eat and why they are so darn skinny….It’s worth it. I was underweight and tried this…now, I’m healthy and stable.
yeah it works… you dont half to eat the noodles everyday….. i got major black outs this summer doing it.. i didnt faint.. but i felt like i was gonna everytime i got up. and remember to only drink water… i drank a protein shake now and then and took vitamins.
hey thats cool that you could make your own diet, i might try that diet if my parents will let me, i love ramen and could eat it everyday all day so it would be easy for me.
Ramen’s are awsome…..I can eat 6 bags in a day easy so not a good diet for me
Actually.. eating ramen’s once a day for lunch is good.
Here’s a diet to try.. measure a serving of cereal with half cup of milk…
lunch: a fruit and ramen noodles.
Dinner: grilled chicken, 2 slices of those big arse wheat breads, and a large bowl of salad… and one cookie.
you can munch on low fat microwaveable popcorn in between.
Drink ONLY water… no juices no soda.. no nothing.. only water…
work out for 30 minutes DAILY on the elliptical machine.. Trust me it’s not hard after the first week..
you will lose 2 lbs per week.
I eat alot of ramen and practice calorie restriction. So far I’m doing great, A really good multivitamin + multimineral is critical to maintaining health though.
I’v lost at least 4 lbs a week. was 195, now 155. The Trick is to wait untill you are absolutely starving then eat 1 package of noodles, repeat as often as necessary.
If you follow my advice you better get your ass to Vitamin Shoppe to get a good multi, vitamin c, Folic acid, Fish oil, Vitamin E. & Trace minerals(if you can stomache them).
you remind me of myself. except I have no TV, so my only distraction from my less than happy thoughts are being surrounded by strangers, listening to music, and watching movies. :) good luck.
YOU PEOPLE NEED TO GET SOME SELF ESTEEM!!!!!!!!!!
COUNSELING,A GYM MEMBERSHIP!!!!!!!!
wow this is pathetic. reason why you are getting massive headaches is because your intaking too much msg.
mono sodium glutamate, and glutamate alone is one of the 20 essential amino acids your body needs. However, this mono sodium glutamate is different in the configuration to the original glutamate acid, so basically this msg is unknown neurotoxic to your body, which is also knowns at Excitotxins. Basically you eat enough msg over your lifespan, you’re basically gonna get diseases such as Alzheimer’s. Why they use msg, a very cheap alternative source to enhance flavors for very inexpensive bland tasting foods.
to comment grndzro,
2006 report for the United States Department of Health and Human Services concluded that regular supplementation with a single nutrient or a mixture of nutrients for years has no significant benefits in the primary prevention of cancer, cardiovascular disease, cataract, age-related macular degeneration or cognitive decline.
And your body will only absorb a small percentage of an isolate form of vitamins and minerals and utilize even less. And most of you people take Synthetic vitamins. And obviously if you’re getting a stomach ach, that is not a good sign. That is same as if you had cancer, both are not good for you. Unless you were taking whole and natural vitamins,then thats fine.
If you really care about your health, I suggest change the way you eat. All this info is coming from a pre dietetic student.
And by the way, calorie restriction is the worst diet for your body. You go on a diet, and yeah you’ll lose your weight, but once you go back to the way you eat, well your gonna gain 1.5 more what you weigh previously. But let’s say you didn’t go back to your old ways, and eat the unhealthy ways you’ve been eating, eventually you’re gonna get sick. I’ll bookmark this and see if anyone will comment what i said. and good luck.
ramen diet = early death and if even possible a minor and temporary weight loss. I gained 40 lbs over 2 years and decided enough was enough. Tried the slim fast route and its working. I have a slim fast drink for breakfast and have fruits in between until lunch. For lunch I eat a huge meal…not fast food…something on the healthy side. I’m usually full from this lunch until about 7-8 at which point I down a bottle of water and go outside for a walk. I walk moderately fast for about 30 minutes. The first 3 days were hell…but now I’m freaking jogging 2+ miles daily which comes out to around 50 minutes. I come home take a shower and if I get cravings then I keep eating fruits or just go to sleep. In the first week I lost 4.5 lbs, which really ain’t shit I thought especially when there is so much more to go. But I picked up a weight set that was 5 lbs and was surprised at how heavy it was. It was motivation for me to think that I had lost nearly that much. Just finished my second week and I have lost a little over 10 lbs. I lifted up 2 5lb weights and was even more surprised and even more motivated. Now that all this shit has become a habit, I almost don’t want to pig out or eat like shit because I know it will ruin what I’ve done so far. If my lazy ass can do your fucking lazy can. Throw away the ramen noodles lest you want to die of a heart attack in a few years.
Peace.
I forgot to mention. I have a slim fast for dinner too.
I do like Ramen and Cup O Noodles. It is very high in sodium which is bad.
I changed the way I ate. Increased cardio. Cardio 6 days a week.
Below is what I did. With this meal plan I slim down and gained muscle. Try it will work.
YOU EAT 6 TIMES A DAY. EAT EVERY 3 HOURS AND STOP AT 7 OR 8 PM
BREAKFAST:
1 WHOLE EGG
5 EGG WHITE/ MRS DASH
4OZ STEAK W/ MRS DASH
1 CUP OATMEAL/PLAIN
SNACK:
1 CAN TUNA IN WATER
5 SALTINE CRACKERS
LUNCH:
8OZ CHICKEN BREAST/ MRS DASH
SALAD W/ 1/2 TOMATO/ NO DRESSING OR JUST DO OIL AND VINEGAR
SNACK:
PROTEIN DRINK/ MYOPLEX OR MUSCLE MILK
DINNER:
8OZ CHICKEN BREAST OR
6 OZ STEAK OR
8OZ TURKEY OR
12OZ WHITE FISH
2 CUPS VEGGIE/GREEN BEANS, KALE, SPINACH, BROCCOLI, CABBAGE
SNACK:
PROTEIN DRINK I DRINK MUSCLE MILK BEFORE BED
1 TBSP PEANUT BUTTER/ 5 CRACKERS
DRINK ONE GALLON OF WATER A DAY
TAKE A GOOD MULTI-VITAMIN/ NOT GNC STUFF I LIKE TO USE A GOOD LIQUID VITAMIN CALLED NATURES PLUS SOURCE OF LIFE
NO FILLERS. HAS WHOLE FOOD COMPLEX. ONCE A DAY.
I TAKE A LITTLE FISH OIL FOR 3,6,9
I KEEP SUGARS LOW.
WORK OUT 2 HOURS A DAY 6 DAYS A WEEK. I LIKE A LOT OF CARDIO TO BUILD ENDURANCE. WEIGHT TRAIING 4 DAYS A WEEK.
I LIKE TO KEEP IT AS NATURAL AS POSSIBLE. I AM NOT PERFECT AND SLIP UP ONCE IN A BLUE MOON.
ONE GLASS OF RED WINE 2 DAYS A WEEK.
ALSO MASSAGE THERAPY AND A GOOD CHIROPRACTOR ARE A MUST.
NO SMOKING. TAKE THE STAIRS WHEN YOU CAN.
REDUCE THE AMOUNT OF STRESS IN YOUR LIFE.
IM NO DIETIITIAN BUT I READ THAT TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING CAN BE BAD FOR YOU AS IN VITAMINS AND MINERAL.
LIKE IF YOU TAKE A CALCIUM/MAGNESIUM SUPPLEMENT AND EAT A TON OF SPINACH OR FOOD WITH CALCIUM IN IT.
I COULD BE WRONG BUT I READ OVER DOING IT ON VITAMINS AND MINERALS CAN CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT. SOMEONE CAN EXPLAIN BETTER IM SURE.
SO WATCH HOW MUCH OF EACH VITAMIN YOU ARE TAKING.
REFINED SUGARS ARE BAD. AND LOOK OUT FOR ANYTHING WITH HYDROGENATED OILS. THEY ARE POISON TO THE HUMAN BODY.
I FOUND WHAT REALLY HELPS IS NO SODAS. NO SALAD DRESSINGS.
DO NOT LOOK FOR A QUICK FIX TO LOSE WEIGHT. SOMEONE MENTIONED EARLIER THAT YOU MAY LOSE WEIGHT BUT WHEN YOU GO BACK TO YOUR OLD HABBITS IT COMES BACK DOUBLE. THIS IS TRUE.
CAFFIENE IS ALSO BAD. SO NO ENERGY DRINKS. TAKE A B VITAMIN.
DONT OVER DO IT ON FRUITS EITHER AS THEY HAVE SUGER.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO ALSO LOOK INTO TO DETOX FOR YOUR BODY. FLUSH OUT ANY WORMS, PARASITES ETC.
FOR A SUPPLEMENT I CHOOSE WHEY PROTIEN OVER SOY CANT REMEMBER WHY.
BREADS ARE OK. WHOLE GRAINS. NO WHITE BREAD EVER.
IT TAKES A LOT OF DICIPLINE TO MAKE A CHANGE LIKE THIS.
BUT IF YOU TAKE YOUR TIME YOUR BODY WILL THANK YOU LATER.
LOSE WEIGHT SUPER FAST CAN BE VERY BAD FOR YOUR BODY AND ORGANS.
I LOST WEIGHT BUT DID NOT WANT TO LOSE MUSCLE MASS. I WANTED TO BUILD MUSCLE AND TRIM DOWN THE FAT.
BREAKFAST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY. YOU MUST STOP EATING AFTER A CERTAIN TIME AT NIGHT. I CHOOSE 8 PM BECAUSE IT’S 3 HOURS AFTER I GET OFF WORK.
AT 8 I DRINK MUSCLE MILK SO MY BODY DOES NOT CANNIBALIZE IT ITSELF. YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR BODY GOING TO YOU MUSCLE FOR THE NUTRIENTS IT NEEDS.
THE PROTIEN IN SAY MUSCLE MILK PROVIDE ENOUGH TO LAST YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP.
AFTER 2 WEEKS IT STARTS TO GET EASIER.
that is a really bad way to lose weight. you will deprive yourself of vitamins and have no energy…plus constipation like a bitch.
what’s wrong with apples, oranges, salmon and tuna, low fat yogurt, stir fried broccoli and tofu, and scrambled eggs with peppers and tomatoes?
there are many more feasible ways to lose weight. ive been there and found that there really is only one way to go. you’ll feel a lot better if you start eating healthily.
hey after sitting here at work( but not actually working) i realized i went through the same thing you did. in high school i was a lean 250 lbs and standing 6’4 i went on the ramen diet and for a month i drank 1 gallon of water a day and had 2 packets in the morning and 2 in the eveing and i lost 30 lbs. it was great i didnt get the head aches or the feel of passing out. but i was also the same way as you i was at a desk all day then go home and was at a computer all day not much goin on. now im 23 and went up to 320 lbs =/
but i just wanna say this post of yours was very good ( i like the writing style) and im thinkin about tryin this diet again. a quick fix maybe every couple of months or so.
gary
Man, I tried this diet for 6 months. I lost everything I had saved up due to the complications of a betting disorder. I lost 350 lbs over 6 months. But the very next week after I got off the diet…I gained it all back. :(
Did ancient Egyptians eat Top Ramen ?
I did this the first summer I lived away from home. I lost way too much weight – but I was almost always broke too. Ramen alternated with rice mixed with canned soup and instant oatmeal for breakfast kept me alive and enough energy to work my job in retail too. The trick was staying a NORMAL weight with muscle, you don’t want to start burning your muscle! I had a fridge and eggs were cheap so I added that and peanut butter when I could for good protein.
And yes, drink LOTS of water. I had low blood pressure problems to start with so a diet higher in sodium and increased water intake were both already on my list from the doctor — I’m sure he didn’t mean Ramen, but since I couldn’t afford him anymore I was just hanging on.
So a diet completely of Ramen is bad yes – but Ramen can be part of a good diet. I still eat it about three times a week.
Tony, if I ate as much protein as you did… I’d be peeing clouds by lunch time. You must be rather massive.
well, time to stock up on ramen =D
Breakfast: Protein Shake, or Cereal w/ half cup of milk, or 1 cup of oatmeal.
Snack: an apple, bananna, or celery with raisins or peanut butter, or both.
Lunch: Chicken, any lean beef, or fish (tuna is good, omega-3)… vegetables, and a salad.
Snack: 1 Cup of popcorn, or handful of mixed nuts, or mixed fruit.
Dinner: Ramen Noodles mixed with peanuts, about 10-15 peanuts.
That’s my usual diet, cheap and effective, I’ve been skinny my whole life.
I love top ramen. I’m disgusted with myself. I’m almost 20, and I weigh 206 pounds. (At 5 foot 3, that’s NOT good. At all.) My boyfriend fuels the fast food lifestyle and I’m too nervous to go to a gym. I don’t want to live on top ramen but I think incorporating it into a diet will work!
I so love ramen. Try only using like half of the seasoning packet and mixing in like 3 egg whites. fkn bomb beezy son. Works well with chicken, oriental, beef, shrimp flavors.
Wow! What a story! Well i cant tell you that starving your self is not the way to loose weight.. Maybe for a min, but it will all come back and even worse when it does.. Being depressed is nothing to joke about either! The best way to loose weight is to stay active, be happy with yourself, and eat healthy proportions… Veggies, fruits, and a lot of protein. Grill food! DON’T FRY! Cut the grease and fatty food out of your diet and you will be on your way to a healthy life! OH there is nothing wrong eating Ramen once in a while.. just not all the time the sodium will kill you! The noodles are find with out the flavor packet.. Look up some Ramen recipes online using real ingredients! Good luck and don’t loose hope and faith in yourself!
To all the yawhos out there. Some of us can not afford Slim fast or fruits and veg. Im a fat(5’8 260 pounds Female) broke ( no jobs to work around my school time line) 55 hour a week ( yep almost 9 hours days of school) college student. I’m fat and un happy and broke. So this is the route im trying. I get $50 a month from mom for food. It wont buy me near what i need to lose weight so rawman it is.
[…] a day: http://www.associatedcontent.com/a…on_a.html?cat=51 And another guy on the ramen diet: http://mentalhygiene.com/index.php…-the-ramen-diet/ IPA's Sig: Consider the animals and give your […]
Get off his nuts. This post is very witty and hilarious. As a recent college grad and recent weight gain-er, I appreciate this very much. I’m sorry I’m 11 years too late.
Eating too much salt doesn’t lead to water weight loss. It makes you’re body hold on to every ounce of water. You have to drink enough water everyday and/ or avoid salty foods if you want to drop water weight :3 you should always educate yourself before you make a move on anything.
I love the way you write :)
I’m 27, 5’1, 135lbs, never had kids.
I’ve lost 9lbs in 3 months. At first I was working out which is something I love to do but got a nasty sprain on my ankle a month and a half ago and I still can’t do much. When I’m stationary I eat, I smoke, I eat, I get depressed. I’m generally a very active person but injuries kick my ass all the way through. I have been down the road of starving myself to loose weight and it really does work. However, I don’t have that will power right now. I think I might try the nasty ramen diet.