Mental Hygiene the best thing you've done for your brain all day

how clean can i really be getting my toilet if i’m using the toilet water to rinse it?

for me these days, sleep has become such a rare commodity that it should be traded on the stock exchange like wheat futures…

dear microsoft corporation:

your shitty software and poor documentation has forced me to lose uncounted hours of productivity in the past, but tonight, it is forcing me to miss the outdoor showing of “Forbidden Planet” starring Leslie Nielson and Robbie the Robot. and, if that wasn’t enough, i’m also missing a big-screen showing of Ed Wood’s “Plan 9 From Outer Space” tonight.

because powerpoint 2000 for windows does not support quicktime files that are playable in the windows version of the quicktime player in the way that powerpoint 2000 for macintosh does, i have been forced to recompress a quicktime file that takes more than 5 hours to render simply in order that it be viewable on a client’s PC laptop. because your software is limited to using only those codecs that are supported under Windows Media Player, though the documentation within the program simply says that “Quicktime Movies” are supported, i have lost another ten hours of my time.

in addition, the only codecs available that are both compatible with quicktime and work with WMP AVIs are all horrendous. the best, by far, is the cinepak codec, which is so outdated that i remember using it, in nearly its present form, 8 years ago – when it was the best thing going. cinepak is an awful processor hog to use, and chews up video like a pack of rabid dogs. and yet, intel’s indeo codecs, the laughable BMP option, and even the AVI DV compressors make it look like spun gold by comparison.

in a real quicktime player, as opposed to the half-assed approach that powerpoint takes, i can choose from a much wider array of options, most of which will actually make compressed video that doesn’t look like it was drawn in crayon by a dyslexic child with Ritalin withdrawal shakes.

and so, the only options i have available make my digital video look bad, and thus impact upon my reputation as a designer, and my efficacy as a salesperson for multimedia technology. if i can’t make something as simple as a quicktime movie look good, what chance do i have of selling a client on something interactive? the poor quality of your software, therefore, has become a detriment to my ability to properly perform my job functions.

this is inexcusable on a number of levels.

i am certain that, should i send a bill for my time or any kind of complaint to the accounting or legal departments in redmond, i would not receive any reply, not even so much as to tell me to go play in the street. my grievance is personal more than fiduciary, in any event, and i have alternative means in mind to settle it.

so here goes:

Bill Gates. you and me. one on one.

get your chubby, unkempt, pampered ass down to raleigh, north carolina, and receive the ass-kicking you so richly deserve. pay your bodyguards to take the day off, and have somebody make sure they bring your spare set of hornrims and a mop, because when i’m through with you, there won’t be so much as a multi-billionaire blueblood-colored stain on the floor left to mark where you once stood.

you know i’m serious. and you know where to find me. have one of your goons look me up in the database you are keeping on those of us that complain about you and your company in public, big brother. my name will be the one with checkmarks in the columns marked “Mac User”, “Linux User” and “open source advocate”

i await your reply.

with apologies to Apple Computer, and Columbia Pictures (or whoever owns Diff’rent Strokes these days):

i had a thought today.. .what if there was a site that you could submit a URL and email address, and a search engine would read through all the plain text on the site, following all the links that remain onsite, checking against a standard spellchecking dictionary, and email all the resulting misspellings and questionable words to the email address.

and wouldn’t it be great if it were free, sponsored by ads.

and, heck, while it was going through the site, since it had to read through every word anyway, it could do a really thorough indexing of the site for a search engine.

nobody would have the processing power or the gumption to do all that in a single pass, would they? well, maybe google….

i think i have come to the conclusion that i am allergic to antihistamines.

never ever ever buy anything, ever, from CompUSA. ever.

i’ve tried. i can’t do it.

i have my line of credit, i have my ID, i know what i want, and i know the SKU numbers. but i still can’t seem to make a purchase for more than a silly cable without incurring the wrath of CrapUSA.

it’s like i have an entry in their customer database that’s flagged and underlined, with a note attached that says “Screw this guy, and good.”

okay, let’s say you’re visa. or mastercard. the credit card people. and you want to entice your existing customers (like me) into getting another card for some odd reason.

so you send out a mailing annoucing some premium customer club, complete with benefits and bla bla woof woof. just like any other credit card promotion someone like me (or any other schmoe on their mailing list) gets.

except this includes a check. woo.

a check for a whopping $3.25. three bucks and a quarter. what kind of incentive to open a new account is that?

and to top it off, by cashing the check, hardly worth the ink it’s printed with and the stamp used to send it (and when cashing it, you’re supposed to put your existing credit card number on the back), you’re signed up for the new card with, get this, a lower credit limit and a higher interest rate than the one you already have. sign me up!

okay, marketing geniuses. am i missing something here?

went to the chiropractor for the first time today. he told me pretty much what i expected he would: my back is all fouled up, and i should come back tomorrow for my first – of many – adjustments, with the practiced care of someone who has said the exact same thing hundreds of times.

what, i almost asked on my way out of the office, no complimentary jar of snake oil?

okay. this just made me laugh. okay, it’s not really funny, because i lost the email i was writing at the time, but i laughed just the same: