Was today Friday? I forgot. It seemed like a Tuesday, because tuesdays are the days I usually get BEATEN SEVERELY
It all started this morning, when I awoke to the sounds of the North American Ruby-Throated-5-A.M.-bird, whose birdy thoughts were something along these lines:
“It’s 5 AM, the sun’s not up, but I sure am.”
CHIRP CHIRP wakey wakey CHIRP CHIRP
perhaps in a past live it was an alarm clock.
CHIRP CHIRP wake up, DAMMIT
and, since my bedroom window was open, I couldn’t help but hear and wake up.
CHIRP CHIRP that loud enough for ya? CHIRP CHURP
Reluctantly, I open one eye and look out the window. It’s not even light out yet, and the clock has some weird number on it. Is that a 5?
And, once I’m awake, no matter how early in the AM it is I can’t get back to sleep, oh no. Since I’m already up, and it’s almost light outside, every sound is amplifyed, even through the window I just closed.
(softly, but still annoying) CHIRP CHIRP you think that will stop me? CHIRP CHIRP
and the neighbor’s dog, which hasn’t shut up in literally three days, chimes in
BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
it barks at the air. it barks at the moon. it barks at the sudden quiet it notices when it’s not barking. It’s the stupidest dog I have ever seen, and his owner’s not much better. Keeps the poor, stupid animal on his back porch chained up all day.
Between the chirping and barking, and all the other aplified sounds of the early morning, I’m awake, staring at the ceiling fan, hoping I can just shut my eyes and get the three more hours sleep I deserve. Then I decide it’s futile and head to the couch to watch a couple hours of informercials before starting the day.
“At least it’s Friday”
And when I get to work, all the crap I’ve had to put up with all week long (thought it’s only been a 4 day week, it seems like a lot longer) just gets worse in front of my eyes.
Tom, whose not my boss, but thinks he is, lets me know that everything I’ve done for him this week has been wrong wrong wrong, and even though last week it was his top priority, this was the first chance he had had to look it over, and by the way it was WRONG WRONG WRONG. “Fix it. Now.”
“And while your at it, this is my new top priority, and will be for the next five minutes. Can you do this for me now? And this? And this? Because I’m incompetent and can’t do it myself, I’m delegating it to you. That’s what I do around here. Delegate.”
But, no matter what WAS his TOP PRIORITY, something else is NOW, and that other thing was done, thanks ever so fucking much, but it was done wrong, and will have to be done again. “Sorry I wasn’t very clear last time when I totally ignored your questions about how it should come out, but I was distracted by something shiny.”
And, of course, it was my fault. Everything was my fault. Everything that ever went wrong was my fault.
THAT’S RIGHT, I’M THE REASON YOUR WEBSITE IS A MONTH LATE GOING LIVE. even though you were the one that never had the time to look at it
THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S MY FAULT YOU’RE IMPOTENT AND YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU (though nobody will say so to your face)
SURE! I’M THE ONE THAT BLEW UP THE CHALLENGER.
I SHOT JFK
I KILLED THE ARCHDUKE FRANCIS FERDINAND
YES IT WAS ME ME ME ALL MY FAULT!!!
and then, it’s 5. Friday. 5 PM. Fuck you, Tom, I’m going home.
PS – Thanks, Chuck. This rant thing rocks. I feel a lot better now.