Jul 01


3 thoughts for today.

first of all, a condom will always cost less than an abortion.

second, turning off your computer tends to discourage hackers.

third, if i were a US congressman, I’d have a policy of only hiring unattractive male interns. I bet they’d get a lot more work done, and I would spend a lot less time hooked up to a lie detector if one of them were to disappear.


Jul 01


how clean can i really be getting my toilet if i’m using the toilet water to rinse it?

Jul 01


for me these days, sleep has become such a rare commodity that it should be traded on the stock exchange like wheat futures…

Jul 01

dear microsoft

dear microsoft corporation:

your shitty software and poor documentation has forced me to lose uncounted hours of productivity in the past, but tonight, it is forcing me to miss the outdoor showing of “Forbidden Planet” starring Leslie Nielson and Robbie the Robot. and, if that wasn’t enough, i’m also missing a big-screen showing of Ed Wood’s “Plan 9 From Outer Space” tonight.

because powerpoint 2000 for windows does not support quicktime files that are playable in the windows version of the quicktime player in the way that powerpoint 2000 for macintosh does, i have been forced to recompress a quicktime file that takes more than 5 hours to render simply in order that it be viewable on a client’s PC laptop. because your software is limited to using only those codecs that are supported under Windows Media Player, though the documentation within the program simply says that “Quicktime Movies” are supported, i have lost another ten hours of my time.

in addition, the only codecs available that are both compatible with quicktime and work with WMP AVIs are all horrendous. the best, by far, is the cinepak codec, which is so outdated that i remember using it, in nearly its present form, 8 years ago – when it was the best thing going. cinepak is an awful processor hog to use, and chews up video like a pack of rabid dogs. and yet, intel’s indeo codecs, the laughable BMP option, and even the AVI DV compressors make it look like spun gold by comparison.

in a real quicktime player, as opposed to the half-assed approach that powerpoint takes, i can choose from a much wider array of options, most of which will actually make compressed video that doesn’t look like it was drawn in crayon by a dyslexic child with Ritalin withdrawal shakes.

and so, the only options i have available make my digital video look bad, and thus impact upon my reputation as a designer, and my efficacy as a salesperson for multimedia technology. if i can’t make something as simple as a quicktime movie look good, what chance do i have of selling a client on something interactive? the poor quality of your software, therefore, has become a detriment to my ability to properly perform my job functions.

this is inexcusable on a number of levels.

i am certain that, should i send a bill for my time or any kind of complaint to the accounting or legal departments in redmond, i would not receive any reply, not even so much as to tell me to go play in the street. my grievance is personal more than fiduciary, in any event, and i have alternative means in mind to settle it.

so here goes:

Bill Gates. you and me. one on one.

get your chubby, unkempt, pampered ass down to raleigh, north carolina, and receive the ass-kicking you so richly deserve. pay your bodyguards to take the day off, and have somebody make sure they bring your spare set of hornrims and a mop, because when i’m through with you, there won’t be so much as a multi-billionaire blueblood-colored stain on the floor left to mark where you once stood.

you know i’m serious. and you know where to find me. have one of your goons look me up in the database you are keeping on those of us that complain about you and your company in public, big brother. my name will be the one with checkmarks in the columns marked “Mac User”, “Linux User” and “open source advocate”

i await your reply.